Being a parent is a weird hybrid of caretaker and warden. Intellectually we know that our job as parents is to raise helpless babies to the point of adult self sufficiency. But it all happens so slowly. Like waiting for a clogged tub to drain, it seems like nothing is happening until the tub is empty. Somewhere between changing diapers and taking the SATs, the water level changes. You know that kids grow up but it still takes you by surprise when they drive away.
There are 4 years age difference between my children which means sometimes I get a second chance to be more present for a last. They still sneak up on you. When my kids are driving me crazy, the Elton John lyric plays in my head, “Don’t wish it away, Don’t look at it like it’s forever.
When my son was born, among he many books gifted to us was “Let me Hold You a Little Longer.” I am sure the sleep deprivation played a major role but I never could make it through the book without tearing up. I’ve always been an overly sensitive person. I used to think it was a negative trait but the older I get, I accept that this is just who I am. Having an acute sense of the passage of time, even when I was a child myself, has made me sentimental. I don’t like to have a lot of clutter but I do like to collect memories. I take lots of photos but try to stay present as much as someone who is overly focused of the future can be present.
This particular book focuses on looking for your “lasts” with your child. Sometimes the lasts are boldly celebrated with ceremonies, often times the lasts are lost like the subtle change of the seasons. Does the water level look a little lower? Is it dark earlier today than it was yesterday? I’ve tried to make peace with my lasts. I
Recently, I was keenly aware of a “last.” My son is in his 3rd year of running cross-country and on days when I am not at work, I would pick him up after practice. Many if not most times, I take my daughter with me and we go for a run or walk ourselves and then wait for him to {slowly} be ready to leave. The process of getting his driver’s license was a nuisance and it wasn’t until the last week of cross country practice that he actually was able to drive himeself home. Without me. I had spent the entire season waiting for him to be done and then holding my breath the whole time he drove us home. It was the last day that I would be picking him up. The last day he would drive us home together. The last day my daughter and I would “hang out” waiting for him to be ready. That was a lot of “lasts” but I recognized they were happening and I will always remember that day. I felt lucky to be able to appreciate those moments, even if I was yelling about stopping distances and air braking on our way home.
With this in mind, I try my best to remember that happy or sad, feast or famine, this too shall pass. In closing, a quote from the book mentioned above. If you are a parent, you will probably cry.
“I’ve watched you grow and barely noticed
seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time,
I’d hold on to your lasts.
For come some bright fall morning,
you’ll be going far away.
College life will beckon
in a brilliant sort of way.
One last hug, one last good-bye,
one quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand
just how much you’ll be missed.
I’ll watch you leave and think how fast
our time together passed.”
Let Me Hold You Longer
Book by Karen Kingsbury